The Upstream Current

A hopeful lament for souls that get it but never get it

2011-03-01T11:35:00.002-05:00

There’s an emptiness that comes about from filling yourself up
With water poured from damaged cups
And no man can bear the weight of the utter lack of substance

O God have mercy on me a sinner

Now blood flowed from hands and feet and side
A blood whose stain is ever-cleansing
Stand under a tide
A flood
A waterfall
An ocean
And be clean

An ache remains that I can bear
I can deal with indignation
I can handle a scare
If the swat comes from the same hands that heal
So be it
Just don’t turn away from me
Wail away
Just don’t go away

If You do
I will die for the rest of my life
And then death will swallow me up
And I’ll trade water that cannot quench
For fire that never will be
And the worms will come to rip away what I tried to save
And You won't be there

O God have mercy on me a sinner

I never should have went where I went
I never should have done what I did
I never should have thought what I thought
But I did
Again
I will

I’ll be back
If You say so

And now I fling myself at your front door
The pavement is formed to fit my body
From the ten thousand times or more
I’ve been there

O my God
What an ocean
What a waterfall
What a flood
What a mountain
What a storm
What a voice
What a whisper
What a rock
What a stone
What a king
What a God

O God
Has mercy on me a sinner

True Worship

2011-02-04T11:31:00.002-05:00

The best and truest worship, the kind that cuts the heart so cleanly you don't ever want it to end...this happens when the cross hits home. We should savor those moments. They come rarely because we so frequently forget. For eternity, the Cross will remain. It was all by blood. You could die a martyr and it still wouldn't have been one drop of your blood that bought your redemption. Only His. Clean blood. For you and me.

Jesus is Worth it

2010-08-28T15:48:00.000-05:00

The Goodness of God in Giving us Trials to Strengthen our Faith

2010-08-16T15:46:00.006-05:00

Have you ever heard a well-meaning Christian say, "Don't pray for patience"? You know, because if you do, there will be more conflict and more strife in your life. I guess it's more important to be comfortable than holy.

In my last post, we tried to understand precisely how we walk this life when it is to be a life of faith. My introductory answer to that question is that we must look to Jesus precisely because He alone is the Founder and Perfecter of our faith. Jesus Christ is risen from the grave. He lived His life looking to His Father whom He had intentionally set always before Him...and He endured. The foundation of His endurance was the motivation He received from banking on the eternal joy He would have at His Father's right hand. He knew God would not abandon Him but would bring Him into His eternal joy in His presence. This sustained Him so much that He endured the Cross. He knew God would raise Him from the dead. I believe this is the key to our endurance...the redemptive work of Jesus Christ.

So, running the race that is set before us by faith, looking to Jesus...how do trials and tribulations play into this race? Into life? Because trials make up life. They are always there. We're either going through one, coming out of one, or on our way into one (someone once said). Life is hard. In a fallen world, it is filled with turmoil and trouble. And if you care about and love other people at all, you can't ever have unadulterated joy in this world. The pain and horror of sin and evil just won't allow it. We are to be sorrowful, yet always rejoicing. This is the weight of Christ. My conclusion on trials is that God gives them with the deliberate purpose of making us how we need to be in order to endure. This is not vicious or unloving...because endurance is how we get to Him. And we must live believing the truth of Romans 8, that what we suffer could never be worth comparing to what we obtain after we have endured: Jesus. Forever.

Let's look at James 1:2-18.

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, 3 for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4 And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. 9 Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation, 10 and the rich in his humiliation, because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. 11 For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls, and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuits. 12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13 Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. 14 But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. 15 Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. 16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.

First of all, we must understand that all that comes from God is good. He does not do evil. Ever. Because He is God and everything He does is good. I see a massive tension for us in this statement, but not for God. He has never apologized for or ran from the fact that from Him, through Him, and to Him are all things (Romans 11:36). I am not saying that when God sends a hurricane that the deaths of people are good. I am saying, however, that God is not any less good for having sent it. There are no maverick molecules or ocean drops. He is sovereign. He runs the world, down to the last atom. You say, "Well how is He not responsible for evil, then?" Because He isn't. I am a fallen human being. I didn't create the world. I didn't nor could I make the rules. But He doesn't have to bow before logic or philosophy. You do know that, right? Eventually, you just have to step back, stop where He stops explaining, and bow before Him. He is God, you know. Maybe we have the problem in understanding but He doesn't have the problem in being. Just a thought. There is no notorious "problem of evil" for God. Just for us human beings. We just don't know how to deal with absolute, infinite divinity. That's all I'll say on that at this point. Just know that I'm operating from the fact that God does more than "allow"...He ordains and decrees all that comes to pass and in no way is evil or does evil. What is the alternative? That He does not? Without even taking on that argument at this time, you know you don't want to live in a universe like that. Just think it through.

So, I'm operating from the belief that the trials James addresses and the very reason we can count them all joy is because they come from above...from God...the One James calls the Giver of "every good gift and every perfect gift." Verse 3 begins with the word "for." It is the "because" for verse 2. You can (and must...verse 2 is a command) count every trial as joy. In actuality, without being fake or marginal or disingenuous. Precisely because trials are the means by which God produces steadfastness in you (Consider that well - it isn't like God swoops in after the fact and says, "oh how fortunate, something I can use to produce steadfastness in these human beings!"...no, He set it up deliberately because He is infinitely wise, merciful, smart, and good). Faith needs tested. Do you see that in James? Now, why? Because you need to be steadfast...you need to hold the line...you need to endure (Hebrews 10:36). And God gives you precisely what you need in order to get what you need. In God's reckoning and coming from His infinite wisdom, suffering is the path to glory. How kind He is to give you the grace to get to glory. He could leave you to your endless pursuit of indestructible joy here on earth. Which you will never find and therefore die in your sins without hope and with nothing to look forward to. Yet, God gives us trials. He gives us what we need to get to Him, to behold His beautiful face.

I want to ground this further in verse 4. Notice that steadfastness is not the goal. Do you see that? We are not moralists; we don't need to be steadfast because it's better to be or more admirable to be. We need to be steadfast because that is the path to perfection, to completeness...only through steadfastness will we reach the place where we lack nothing. When will that be? When will you be perfect? When will you lack nothing? When you get to Him. And not a moment before. Do you see, then? The "full effect" of steadfastness is getting to Him, enduring to the end and getting to Jesus. That is hard to walk in and it is hard to understand. Trials can hurt so much and be so difficult. So if what I'm saying is true, how do I take refuge in such a thing...that the only way I get home is through suffering and trial and suffering and trial come from God precisely to get me home? The answers lie in verses 5-8.

How do you make sense of all this...how do you walk in this with joy? You ask for the wisdom to understand such a truth. And you bank on an answer from Infinite Love and Holiness. We lack the ability to count trials as joy. We lack the knowledge to comprehend all the facets of suffering and we lack the wisdom to properly and most effectively apply what we do know or can know. But God is so good. He does not leave us in the dark. Ask and it will be given to you. Don't doubt. Now, that's the catch, right? You say, "Well, if my faith is shaky and I struggle, how is this promise any good for me? I mean, it says that if we ask with doubt in our hearts, we won't receive anything from God. Well, I have doubts! I don't understand...my faith is weak!" Brother, sister...you are safe. It does not say you must ask with perfect faith (you couldn't have that yet, remember?). It says simply, "ask in faith." Do you believe He is God and He is good? The answers will come. I don't want to rob the warning of its weight, however. I simply want to say that He will not break a bruised reed. You can come before Him. If you know your faith is weak, repent. Ask for the faith it takes to be heard when you pray. God is not going to turn you away when you come to Him, believer. Jesus died to kill that fear.

I think the argument in this passage is one solid argument. I don't think his discussion of rich and poor is apart from the argument on trials and counting it all joy. I believe this because nothing reveals the heart like money. And too much or not enough will reveal your heart...both can be trials. And verse 12 hammers this home once again, you have been called to remain steadfast. You will not receive the crown of life without doing so. You must undertand this. But you must see the joyful hope giving truth of the text, as well. God is giving you what you need to be steadfast so that you will receive your crown. That way you'll have something to throw at the feet of Jesus in the new heavens and the new earth.

And don't be confused or deceived into thinking God is tempting you and trying to get you to fail. The text addresses this very objection. You say, "Well, how is God not tempting me if He's sending me trials knowing that if I struggle, I will fall?" Beloved, He is not tempting you. First reason: He says He is not and He will not. That's where you start, okay? He is not because He says He's not. If you can't understand that (and it is hard), that's our problem, not His. Always remember that. However, I do think we can gain some understanding from the text. I think that James addresses this because the text is speaking of trials coming from God, but not temptations. We see that as incongruous. It is not. Hear me out. God sends trials. Temptation enters the fray when those trials from a good and holy God interact with my sinful heart. I am tempted by my own desires, not by God...this is the context in v.14-17. I am so sinful that what I receive from God is misunderstood and misapplied. He is working in us to finally and fully redeem us, not to destroy us or condemn us. The temptation is not from God, it is from me, from my sinful heart. This is why we need wisdom so badly. We need to know the difference. We need to be strong. We need to be mature.

The goodness of God is revealed in trials...He is giving us an opportunity for joy, for wisdom, for maturity, and for steadfastness. He is doing it to get us home, to give us our crown. If steadfastness is the only way, how good is He to provide us with what we need to possess it? This is hard to walk in; I know. I agree. It gives me pause because I do not yet know how I will react when the bottom drops out. But I am praying for wisdom, for faith. I want to believe He is as wonderfully good as He says He is...as I know He is...when trials come. We need stronger faith. We need to believe our God. And He is faithful and good to help us do it.

Looking to Jesus

2010-08-06T09:36:00.003-05:00

The New Testament defines and interprets the Old Testament. We must start with the new or the old has no place and makes no sense. Jesus is the deliberate substance and fulfillment and focus of all Scripture, in and through His work of redemption. Therefore, biblical theology informs systematic theology. Faith, therefore, is informed and defined by redemption.

The believer will endure to the end by faith, and in no other way. Christ purchases and grants redemption to us through the Cross, giving us the Holy Spirit. The Spirit seals us and is our Guarantee that we will obtain redemption on the last day. Believers are called to endure by faith in light of this work of grace. The wonderful news is that, while faith is required, it is also a gift of grace. We have a great Savior who is all that we need and has done all that we must. All He is and all He has done has been granted to us through the Cross. This includes His perseverance through Calvary to the empty tomb and onto the ascension of the Son of Man back to His Father. In Acts 2, Peter does two things for us that are indispensable to our faith: 1) He helps us understand how to read the Psalms in light of Christ. 2) He shows us that Psalm 16 was actually about the resurrection of Jesus. Therefore, we are not being irresponsible to read Psalm 16 as a means to understanding how we can endure today, even in light of all that living in this fallen world is.

Acts 2:22-36 - 22 “Men of Israel, hear these words: Jesus of Nazareth, a man attested to you by God with mighty works and wonders and signs that God did through him in your midst, as you yourselves know— 23 this Jesus, delivered up according to the definite plan and foreknowledge of God, you crucified and killed by the hands of lawless men. 24 God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it. 25 For David says concerning him, “‘I saw the Lord always before me,for he is at my right hand that I may not be shaken; 26 therefore my heart was glad, and my tongue rejoiced; my flesh also will dwell in hope. 27 For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your Holy One see corruption. 28 You have made known to me the paths of life; you will make me full of gladness with your presence.’ 29 “Brothers, I may say to you with confidence about the patriarch David that he both died and was buried, and his tomb is with us to this day. 30 Being therefore a prophet, and knowing that God had sworn with an oath to him that he would set one of his descendants on his throne, 31 he foresaw and spoke about the resurrection of the Christ, that he was not abandoned to Hades, nor did his flesh see corruption. 32 This Jesus God raised up, and of that we all are witnesses. 33 Being therefore exalted at the right hand of God, and having received from the Father the promise of the Holy Spirit, he has poured out this that you yourselves are seeing and hearing. 34 For David did not ascend into the heavens, but he himself says, “‘The Lord said to my Lord, Sit at my right hand, 35 until I make your enemies your footstool.’ 36 Let all the house of Israel therefore know for certain that God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.”

Now, notice what Peter says in v.25. "For David says concering him...!" Psalm 16 was written by David in the first person. Yet Peter, whose eyes have been opened by Jesus to understand the Scriptures (Luke 24) sees that David was for Christ. Psalm 16 was about Jesus; it was written "concering Him." This is how we are to read it; this is how we can understand it. And it is a beautiful light for our faith: the glory of the Risen Christ. Notice how Peter proves David was not talking about himself..."you can go to David's tomb right now...he's rotting inside!" But not Jesus. No, not Jesus. Know for certain, therefore, says Peter...Jesus is alive.

1 Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge. 2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;I have no good apart from you.” 3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,in whom is all my delight. 4 The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply; their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out or take their names on my lips. 5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. 6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. 7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel; in the night also my heart instructs me. 8 I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. 10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. 11 You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. - Psalm 16

Imagine Jesus praying these words. Imagine him, if you will, in the Garden just before He died. "Preserve me, God. I have no good but you. You are my all. I won't fall away, I won't relent, no matter what is promised to my flesh by doing so. You give me counsel. You teach me." Look where Jesus had His Father...set at His right hand. And because of this, He would not be shaken, not even from Calvary. This was the source of His enduring joy (v.9). And the reason He had a fortifying security, even in His flesh, was the fact that He knew...He knew...God would raise Him from the dead. He would not be abandoned. He would not waste His life. He would not be crucified and left in the ground. No. God would raise Him from the dead. And when He did, He would ascend. He would dwell at God's right hand. There, and only there, is the fullness of joy. There, and only there, are pleasures forevermore. Notice what Jesus did. He did not count any fleeting pleasure better than what was to come at His Father's side. By looking to the future, He was sustained in a horrendous present. And we are not above our Master. We will endure, if we endure, in precisely the same way.

Note these amazing words that solidify this for us in Hebrews 12:1-2. Note the language and how it creates a beautiful chain for our assurance in light of Psalm 16.

Hebrews 12:1-2 - 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Who is this cloud of witnesses? It is the cloud of all who came before, who did so by faith...by looking to what they could not see and seeing it. We lay aside the weights and the burdens. We live a life of repentance. And we run with all our grace-given might. But where do you look so that you don't go off the track? You look where Jesus did. To the fullness of joy and pleasure at God's right hand. And I ask you...what is at God's right hand? What is there? Jesus Christ Himself. Jesus is the fullness of joy. Jesus is pleasures forevermore. You bank on indestructible, everlasting joy, just like He did. And you run. Do you see that in verse 2, do you see how it connects with Psalm 16? Beloved, how do you endure? Exactly how Jesus did. Where do you look as you run this race? Exactly where Jesus did.

And what will you see when you, a redeemed believer, look to God's right hand? You will see Jesus, the founder and the perfecter of your faith. You will see all the assurance you need and its guarantee. Because Jesus is there. He is all you need. He gave you the faith...He started the work...He led the way and bought all the tickets. And then, on the other side of Calvary when the stone was rolled away...He perfected it...He won it...He finished it. And then He gave it to you. Therefore, you will endure. And you will get home with your weak, struggling, shaky faith. Your faith has been perfected in the One whom God raised from the dead. God looks at Jesus for you. And He need only look to His right. Bank on Him, beloved. Believe the Gospel. Bank on the One God vindicated by raising Him from the dead...which is precisely what He will do to you. You will not be abandoned to the grave, no matter how you go out. You will not be left to rot. And you will not be condemnded. All because...all because of Jesus. Rest in Christ. Live looking to Jesus.

Diverging Roads

2010-07-20T15:31:00.005-05:00

The grace of God cleanses us from all sin. The blood of Jesus is as sufficient as it is powerful to wipe away all of it. Past, present, and future. I write this afternoon a free man, cleansed of my sin, of my shame, of the guilt and failures of my past. And it is all because, will always be exclusively because, of Jesus Christ. He is risen. I am safe. I am cleansed. I am redeemed. I still struggle, make no mistake. But if you asked me, "Tony, what is the main difference, if there is one, between you now and you three/four years ago?" Hope. Hope. In marvelous grace, God is helping me finally believe the Gospel. And I have a living and joyful hope.

And while I can't explain it or form the words to describe it correctly, I know that I must preach. For me, the lines of a life that will glorify God means deliberate, vocational Gospel-ministry.

So. What do I do? Do I put out my resume? Or do I plant? For me, there are no other options. If I don't preach soon, I will probably explode. I can look back at my time as a full-time pastor and list what I should have/could have done differently. There is a blessing to making mistakes...you do learn. I can look back on my time as a planter and list what I should have/could have done better. I can look back at both and see decisions I should have made, ones I should have made differently, people I should have treated differently, etc. etc. etc. Listen, I could do this all day. I've been doing it for over two years. Well, I'm not doing it anymore. I'm just not. I have had the absolutely grace-filled, unbelievably kind hand of a good God let me fail and give me trial. And He has brought me through. Yes, I messed up. Yes, I had issues. There is no doubt. But I also had a great Savior. In the mirror of my failure where I saw my sin and pride and wickedness, there was a hand on my shoulder in the reflection. A nail-scarred hand. I didn't see it before. My eyes were blinded by my pride. But I see it now. My fight was finished 2,000 years ago. I'm moving on.

So here I stand at Frost's diverging roads. I can keep sending out my resume (I think I have 4,987 out at the moment in virtually every state in the contiguous US)or I can plant a church and by grace do it the right way this time (if the Lord wills and will work so in me). My friend, my brother, Darby, says that most guys who want to be pastors don't even entertain planting. It isn't even in their minds. For me, it's always on my mind. I can wait for a church to call me or I can plant one. Is this irresponsible? I don't know. But I have to wonder why it's there at all, don't I? I want to pastor an established church, full-time, right now. I want one to call me and say, "come and be our pastor." I want to move my family and I there and go to work. One church for the rest of my life. That's what I want. But I kind of also want something else. I want to start a God-glorifying, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated, people-loving, missionary-sending, church-planting church in a place where the current churches aren't holding out the light. I want to see a people rise up from nothing and bring hope where other churches aren't bringing enough. Sometimes I would rather give birth than raise the dead. I also want that. I would be lying if I said there isn't a part of me that would love to do that. So, I don't know what to do.

I'm standing here, praying, waiting, seeking God...but how long do I stand and pray and wait and seek?

The Burner

2010-07-15T17:21:00.003-05:00

Got some stuff on it. Posting soon. Read the Minor Prophets.

Hunger and Thirst

2010-04-12T14:26:00.004-05:00

Only Jesus Christ can destroy a soul in such wondrous beauty that love and admiration towards Him flows from it, not bitterness. We were made for Him. Salvation awakens us to the desperate longing we were always meant to have and never could. What we know when we are lost is not longing. It is deception. We move from brief satisfaction to brief satisfaction. Our lost-longing fools itself into thinking it can be filled. The longing that comes from the new birth knows that it will never be filled here. So it quits looking. And while the longing does remain, it is satisfied. The minute God ceased His walking in the cool of the day with man, there is nowhere on earth where the fellowship we were made for can be fully enjoyed. Safe in Christ, I yearn for what I once had and lost in the Garden. So while I am healed, I ache. My soul hurts. He is with me. And He is not. I am full. And I am starving.

Consider this contrast:

John 4:13 Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 6:33 “For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” 34 They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.” 35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. 36 But I said to you that you have seen me and yet do not believe. 37 All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.”

Psalm 42:1 As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. 2a My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.

Psalm 63:1 O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.

I think I would be hermeneutically sound to say of the verses above, “The longing of the Psalmist’s heart, of our hearts, was quenched forever in Jesus, the Living Water.” That may be a good sermon. But would it tell the whole story? I don’t know. Because my question would be, how does the Psalmist know that God will quench His thirst? Why is it that he thirsts for God? Why is it that he faints in the desert land for God? Couldn’t there be a thousand other things to quench his soul’s thirst? That’s the story of our lives, isn’t it? Not if we have already tasted and seen that the Lord is good. Notice the word “as” in the two psalms above. “In the same way” as a deer or as near fainting in a parched desert, so his soul pants and faints for God. This comes from experience, not idealism.

God is infinite. When He not only gives the water but is the water, there is something different about that water. It satisfies like a canteen of fresh, ice cold water in the desert. And it makes you thirstier like handfuls of salt water adrift at sea. Why in the world is there such a thing as actual water that does not quench your thirst but only makes you thirstier? I wonder. Since God does so many things by accident.

When God not only gives the bread but is the bread, there is something different about that bread. The very nature of earthly food is to speed up your metabolism, to be processed, which means you will be hungry again. Food satisfies for a moment. One bite of bread and one drink of water only satisfy for awhile. They are not infinite. This is beginning to crack the surface of what I believe Jesus was really saying in John 4 and 6. If the bread and the water are different, the hunger they are meant to satisfy is different. Knowing Christ does not eradicate my need for food and water to survive. But I don’t need to survive. That is not my greatest need. And this hunger, this thirst, this need…to live when I die…his bread and water satisfy forever. He is my Bread. He is my Water. And this grace, this mercy, this love create in me a longing to be near such a One with every ounce of my being. And I cannot see Him. I cannot put my fingers in the scars or lean against His chest. I do not see Him face to face. But He is with me, even though He is not.

The longing of the Psalmist is transformed in Jesus. My longing is under the grace of the Cross, fixed in the person of Jesus Christ, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. The Psalmist longed for what had not appeared; I hope for what has appeared once and for all to take away my sins. God is forever for me. He will never be against me again. My longing is filled with satisfaction. My days are not bleak. My heart is not deserted. I will never feel that thirst again. I will never know that hunger again. It is not as though I long for A husband like the Psalmist; I long for MY Husband, the Eternal Groom, the Risen Christ!

So some mornings will be spent with my face in my hands, wishing I could see Him. Everyday will be spent longing to worship Him face to face. And this hurts. I can literally feel it in my stomach even now. But we do not weep as those who have no hope. And we do not long as though who have no coming Savior. That thirst is quenched; that hunger is satisfied. Until He comes, I will be a deer in the forest and a wanderer in the desert. But I will have a Brook over the next hill and an Oasis just over the horizon. My Shepherd, My Lamb, My King, My Jesus.

Jesus our Victor: The True Samson (Part 1)

2010-02-21T22:07:00.003-05:00

Judges 16:28 Then Samson called to the Lord and said, “O Lord God, please remember me and please strengthen me only this once, O God, that I may be avenged on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 And Samson grasped the two middle pillars on which the house rested, and he leaned his weight against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other. 30 And Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines.” Then he bowed with all his strength, and the house fell upon the lords and upon all the people who were in it. So the dead whom he killed at his death were more than those whom he had killed during his life. 31 Then his brothers and all his family came down and took him and brought him up and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had judged Israel twenty years.

Luke 23:46 Then Jesus, calling out with a loud voice, said, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit!” And having said this he breathed his last.

All Scripture testifies to Jesus Christ, God’s only begotten Son. This is not done in a general way so that we can flippantly say, “the whole Bible is about God,” without knowing how or why. All Scripture testifies to Jesus in His work of redemption. The glory of God through redemption, accomplished by Jesus Christ, is the central, unifying theme of all Scripture. From Genesis to Revelation, Jesus is the hero of God’s story of redemption, so that God may be all in all (Luke 24:27, 44-45; 1 Corinthians 15:28; Hebrews 1:1-4).

The Bible is full of heroes. But there is only one Hero. Samson is one of the heroes. As we will see, this very fact serves to exalt Jesus, as does everything, even the most horrendous of things. Samson is a hero because God is amazing. He is not a hero because he was amazing. He may have been an absolute mountain of strength and fury that God raised up to defend his people, but he was also a womanizer with the wit of a wheel of cheese. But the same God who is able to raise up stones to be sons of Abraham has been working since before time began to redeem His people through His Son for His glory. And because His wisdom is infinite and His plan is indestructible, He has been raising up men like Samson to show the all-surpassing worth and perfection of His True Chosen Son, His True Defender-Judge, Jesus.

I would like to take a few posts to flesh out how Samson points to Jesus. Samson judged Israel in an era of wanton rebellion by the people of God against the Lord, their Deliverer. When Joshua died towards the end of the conquest of Canaan, the people turned from the Lord to serve Canaan’s idols and follow the nation in its wicked ways. Judges tells this tale in sordid detail, sometimes unbelievably sordid. In fact, by the end of the book, the wickedness of God’s people is about as low as it can go. There is no king. There is no one to lead the people in righteousness and so everyone does what is right in his own eyes. The Judges failed. And so did Samson.

And yet, he points to Christ so beautifully and so clearly, the story will lift up our hearts in thanksgiving for Jesus. It will prove the supremacy of Christ and show God’s satisfaction with Him, over against all who came before. Hear this now: there may be no greater news than the fact that God is satisfied with Jesus.

Because in the midst of mockers, when His people were in danger of eternal annihilation, there was another One who entrusted His Soul to His God, and pushed the pillars of justice and sin to crush Himself and God’s enemies. Forever.

But God did not leave the True Samson in the grave.

Psalm 16:10 For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your Holy One see corruption.

Matthew 28:6 He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.

Romans 6:9 We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him.

Romans 8:11 If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Different Fathers

2010-02-11T15:26:00.003-05:00

See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. – 1 John 3:1

There are so many beautiful implications here. I just want to focus on a few. Contextually, John has written in chapter 2 that we must not love the world. The sin in the world (the desires of the flesh, of the eyes, the pride in possessions) is not from the Father, but from the world. And the world is passing away. It is temporary, transient. He ends chapter 2 with an exhortation to abide in Christ. Jesus is God’s Christ, His Anointed One, and we must not depart from Him. To deny Him is to deny the Father. We must not be deceived by this spirit of antichrist.

In the beginning of chapter 3, John gives us the blessed statement above: we are the children of God (Those who abide in Christ, not in love with the world). It is not just that we “should” be called the children of God, in theory. We “are” the children of God, in fact. The kind of love with which God loves us is parental. He loves us as a father loves his children. The kind of love with which He loves us is far more than theoretical or forced. Think about it. It could be that God’s love for us is based solely on an economical obligation to His Son. Therefore, His love could be largely impersonal. “I recognize that you have died for them, Son, and have paid for their sins, satisfying my wrath. Therefore, I will love them.” Now, this is 100% true; don’t misunderstand me here. But, it is deeper than that. God’s love is more, not less. For God willfully chooses to love us with affection. Doesn’t John emphasize this intentionally? “What ‘kind’ of love….” He is far more than a satisfied Judge. He is a loving Father. We “are” His children. Bank on it. Know it. Rejoice.

And as such, we, like Christ, are not of this world. Our father is not the devil. Our father is ultimately no longer the 1st Adam. No. We are the sons and daughters of the Living God, in Christ. And this is why we are strangers here. Our identity. Our family. The reason why the world does not know us, care for us, love us, or want us here is precisely because they did not know, care for, love or want Jesus. And we are not above our Master. This in itself has massive implications.

In particular, I want to look at it here in the implications it has on us as the Church.

Let’s say that I want you to like me. A lot. The problem is I’m nothing like you. I mean, there are some class-oriented things that make us similar. You’re human. I’m human, etc. Other than what is basic and obvious, however, we have absolutely nothing in common. We don’t like the same things. We wear completely different clothes. We live on opposite sides of town; we’re from opposite sides of the tracks. Our worldviews are diametrically opposed to one another. We don’t want the same things. We don’t reach conclusions the same way. We don’t share convictions. We do not mix. Now. Let me ask you a question. How are we going to be friends?

We’re not. Unless one of us changes. And that is huge. Because there’s one more monkey wrench. I am right and you are utterly wrong. The things I like? They are the right things to like. The things I wear? They are the right things to wear. The side of town I live on is the right side. My side of the tracks is the right side. My worldview is correct. What I want is good and right. My conclusions are correct. My convictions are pure. You’re the problem. Not me.

Now, let’s imagine I tell you that. Do you suppose we’ll be friends now? What if I say it to you in your language or simultaneously tell you how great I really, truly think you are and how wrong and doomed I think you are?

Illustrations are not perfect. I don’t think they’re meant to be. However, I hope this was somewhat helpful. We do not try to be disliked. This is not the goal of the Church, nor should it be how she goes about her mission. However, the world’s distaste for us is incontrovertible. They aren’t going to like us. That’s just the way it is. The world does not know us. And, unless we change our message, it is wildly, insanely, and horribly offensive to the world. As our Lord said through Paul, the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing; it is offensive; they are blind to the Gospel (1 Corinthians 1:18; 2 Corinthians 4:3-4).

The world does not know us because we have different fathers. The world does not know God the Father because they have rejected His Son. And the reason we exist is to bring Him glory by bringing His Son to the world in the Gospel. We have been entrusted with an impossible mission. And it will not do to change the terms in order to reach the world.

This is old hat. It’s desperately unoriginal and has been explored ad nauseum (rightfully so) in tons of books and sermons. I just wanted to weigh in here because my boy, Darby, and I have been discussing church-planting. Neither one of us will claim to have cornered the market on church-planting. We don’t think we know it all. We don’t look down our noses at the rest of evangelicalism for not seeing what we believe we see or whatever. We just talk. A lot. And for him, it’s immediately applicable because he’s been planting a church for almost 10 years. There is a smudge on the horizon of the American church. Can a 34 year old, failed church planter, weak pastor-in-waiting make such an observation (me, not Darby)?

Oh sure.

The Gospel is offensive. And the Gospel is the only way to reach or love our world. There’s not another way. There isn’t another box. It’s not paper or plastic. We have different fathers. They won’t like us. All Jesus ever did was love sinners, touch lepers, befriend the outcasts, serve towns and cities, bomb on self-righteous people, heal, and raise the dead. And they crucified Him in open shame. Stop fooling yourselves, please brothers. You are not above your Master. We are talking diametrical differences here. Not previously before un-noticed similarities. All our serving and loving is critical. We must do it. Always. But we must do it through the Gospel. And in no other way. The Gospel is a message. It has words, not just hands. And so much of what we see today is word-less. Wordless. This won’t work, brothers.

Every cold cup of water given to the thirsty must carry with it the truth of the fact that HE is Living Water. Every other fountain is a lie. Every other fountain is going to be incinerated, including you if you will not repent. And if you drink of Him, you will never thirst again. We are sword and bandage. Light and shade. Heat and balm. We are both and, not either or. We need a focus tempered by a heavenly union of contrasts.

For I am not ashamed of the Gospel, for it…IT, IT, IT, IT, IT is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. – Romans 1:16

In Hope of Perspective

2010-02-09T10:27:00.005-05:00

In his book, "Gospel-Centered Heremeneutics: Foundations and Principles of Evangelical Biblical Interpretation," Graeme Goldsworthy gives this fantastic insight:

The biblical norm is that interpretation of Scripture proceeds from the revelation of God in Christ outward to the humanity of the biblical texts. This could be referred to as hermeneutics "from above." Any attempt at a hermeneutics "from below," moving in the opposite direction from human reason to an assessment of Christ and revelation, is inconsistent with evangelical interpretation. (Goldsworthy, p.92, emphasis mine)

Goldsworthy's context here is in discussing how philosophical arguments have affected hermeneutics (biblical interpretation) throughout different stages in history, in particular here, the early church.

This is truly striking to think about. It helps us understand who we are, our place. For whatever reason, this has been weighing heavily on me of late. It has massive implications for preaching and pastoring. We are not free to define theology or, more to the point, to define God. Bear with me as I think this through. My wife and I were discussing this quote from Goldsworthy and thinking about it. Imagine Legolas popping out of the pages of The Fellowship of the Ring when Tolkien was writing it and saying, "Hey, I don't want to go with Aragorn. I'd rather be in Lothlorien. Don't write my storyline like that." Kristie has said to me, "Imagine Bella coming up to her and I and saying, 'You guys didn't make me. I came about on my own. You have no authority over me.'"

Could you imagine? I hope you can. This is us and God, in a nutshell. It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. We are quick to recognize the authority roles and relationships around us and, in many ways, choose to abide by them. We are not overly quick to question our boss (or shouldn't be). We pull over if the cop behind us turns on his sirens. When we're young and our parents say, "No," we will eventually listen (usually). My point is that we do understand authority. While it is innate in us to resist it, we do understand it. We are able to recognize it. Perhaps it is owing to His invisibility (I would argue that's not the primary reason, however), but we have a serious problem with God's authority...His overwhelming, absolute, unavoidable authority. Most of us would not dream of pushing on the gas when we see the sirens or throwing a folder of work back in our boss's face. And yet, we are quick to impose on God what we think, put Him in the dock, tell Him what He actually meant or should have said, and/or blatantly disobey when the way is clear.

Perhaps this is because the repercussions for pushing on the gas would be, for the most part, immediate...depending on your horsepower and fuel level. Again, I think this is a natural part of the problem...but it is not its root. The root is rebellion. And rebellion against God is as insane as it is wicked.

Speaking on the concept of Divine Authority, John Frame, in his book, "The Doctrine of God," puts it this way:

And when he tells us to believe the truth of his word, we must do so, both because his word can never prove false and because we have a moral obligation to believe it. (Frame, p.80)

What a great statement. In His essence, God is both completely trustworthy, with or without human validation, and is in absolute control, with or without human validation. My point is this: we are in desperate need of perspective. He is Creator, Author, Finisher, First, Source. We are created, written, dependent, secondary, result. It's not like this is new. Even Shakespeare saw us as players making entrances and exits. I would not agree with his logic here, but I agree with a part of his essence. We are in a story. And you can jump off the page and question the Author. It's just stupid and, ultimately, pointless. "Will what is molded say to its molder, 'why have you made me like this?'" (The Apostle Paul - Romans 9:20b). I think Paul is saying in this question, "Yes, what is molded will say this...it's just to absolutely no avail. It won't change anything."

God is infinitely far above and beyond us. Humans are free to make choices. How that reconciles with sovereignty, I don't know. But I do know two things: 1) There is no need to reconcile friends. 2) Our freedom is a part of God's story.

We need perspective. We need to stop imposing philosophy and natural logic onto God. We need to stop living like there's no one in charge but us. Because you may feel like this is true. But it's not. He is always God. He is always Lord. You are always accountable. He is always right. You can trust in yourself and in your own dreams and abilities as much as you want. You are still on the clock.

We must bow before the Lord of the Gospel. "Repent" is a command. It is an imperative, not a suggestion. The life of faith, by which we are sanctified, is a life of learned and progressive submission. It is war. God cannot be obtained or grasped through morality or any other human system of purity that works outside-in (I owe this to John Piper and his biography on C.S. Lewis). The Gospel is the only acceptable "method" for man to dwell with God.

So take heart. We have a Great Savior. One who happens to be in the business of not just loving, but adopting rebels.

The Moment Arrived

2010-01-26T23:12:00.002-05:00

I believe the Cross of Jesus Christ is the apex of human history. In this one event, the old age ended and the new age began. Every human being who lived before it was moving toward it; every human being born after it is moving from it, in light of it. It remains central and ultimate in human history. By history here, I mean the human story, past, present, and future.

It is a stunning, horrendous, horrible, unjust, disgusting, unbelievable, beautiful, and precious event. I am blown over by it. I truly am. And I am praying now each day that I be blown over by it. Because my definition of “blown over” and the Almighty’s are, I gather, quite different.

In John Murray’s book, Redemption: Accomplished and Applied, he makes this statement about Jesus at the moment preceding His crucifixion: “In the exercise of self-conscious sovereign volition, knowing that all things had been accomplished and that the very moment of time for the accomplishment of this event had arrived, he effected the separation of body and spirit and committed the latter to the Father."

I heard John Piper say he didn’t think anyone could overstate how awful the cross was. So, if anything I’m about to say offends you, just stop for a minute and realize I’m doing it absolutely no justice. Whatever I say here is tame. Our knowledge of what crucifixions were like is purely academic. I heard a sermon by Mark Driscoll on it one day at work and I had to go to the restroom and cry it was so disgusting. I just wept. And he wasn’t being funny or trying to be lewd. He was describing historical facts on crucifixion. John Stott in The Cross of Christ mentions one Roman emperor who said he didn't want to see another one and wished they would all cease. And it happened to Jesus. He touched lepers and let children sit on his lap. It’s one thing to talk about it. It’s another thing to see someone butchered and have their blood spray everywhere to the cheers of a bunch of bloodthirsty idiots. I assure you. I’m not even close. He died. Do you understand this? He was killed. God in the flesh was butchered to death.

Imagine knowing exactly what is going to happen to you. You’ve known it for thousands of human years and long before that in eternity, when your Father decreed that you would be slain from the foundation of this world. And the hour has finally come. The actual period in time…the six hour ordeal is about to happen. In just a few hours, your back will be flayed; literal thorns will be shoved into your skull; iron will be pounded through your hands and your feet and they’ll drop you into the ground where your bare meatless back, muscles and nerves exposed, will rub against rough wood for six hours until you die and they jam a spear in your side. It’s about to happen. You’re around 33 now and you’ve experienced pain. You know that pain is unpleasant. You know that the worse it is, the more unpleasant it is. And you’re about to hang for a billion crimes you didn’t commit. And these people have no idea what they’re doing, in essence. You are God. You are God. And you’re going to subject yourself to that. When that first violent strike drives that nail into your flesh, your bowels are going to explode it’s going to hurt so badly. They’re going to beat you. They’re going to spit on you. They’re going to mock you. You’ll be naked, hoisted up for all to see with blood and everything else running down your body. And you could obliterate them in a microsecond. You could make them claw their own eyes out with agony and terror. You could explode in white holy fire and consume them, shut their arrogant little mouths and pound them into the ground, straight through to the open cosmos you flicked into existence before their great, great, great, great grandfathers knew where their thumbs were.

But you won’t. You won’t. You’ll just be quiet. And you’ll just hang there. Dying for scum. Yes, you'll make her beautiful. But she was ugly when you died for her.

Oh Lord my God, why would you do this for me? Jesus, when you prayed in the garden, how did you stay the course? How did you swear to that much hurt and not change, to buy your wife?

I want the cross to make me a different man.

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?

No.

Shine

2010-01-14T11:46:00.001-05:00

You are Light
In my dark places

You shine like the Son

A million rays wash over me
Converging into One

And you pierce
Through doubt and disbelief
Through arrogance and pride
A hundred days apart from you
Unlike one by your side

Shine

Light the way O God

Your servant cannot see

The blinding force that hides my eyes
That blinding force is me

Out of Zion
Your beauty shines
Cover my heart
With a new kind of blind

The Perfection of Beauty

2010-01-12T15:40:00.002-05:00

God shines forth from Zion, His perfection.

I love the idea of God inspiring the Psalmist (Psalm 50) like this. "Make a word picture of my glory shining over the world from a mountain that stands as its highest point."

God flows toward us, relates to us, shows Himself before us in absolute, total, incomprehensible perfection. This is beauty. The most beautiful sight you've ever beheld is a whisper, an arrow, an echo.

That rush I feel when I see my wife early in the morning or dressed up to go out...this is grace! He gives me pieces to prepare my eyes for what they cannot see. But will see.

How great, how awesome, how magnificent our God is!

Tiger Woods Does Not Owe You An Apology

2009-12-09T22:58:00.003-05:00

Because he didn't cheat on you. His wife...the one he lied to and made a fool of and betrayed? Yes. You, the American public who chose to put him on the pedestal from which he has fallen? No. His children for dishonoring their mommy time and time again and making her and this whole situation a joke? Yes. You, the golf fan? No. "We pay their salaries." Right. And they pay yours because they pay taxes like you do.

What is the deal with you, American Public? What is your problem? I hear things like, "I guess we didn't know him after all." Right. You didn't know him. And you don't now. You had no idea who he was and you don't know him any less now than you did then...because you never knew him at all. Did you have dinner with him? Did he go nuclear on you because you snapped a camera in his backswing? Why are we so consumed with ourselves? He doesn't owe you jack squat because you liked his golfing and now you find out he cheated on his wife. Sweet gravy, shut up.

"He's not who we thought he was, I guess." Who did you think he was? Seriously? He plays golf. That's what marks someone as a model citizen now? A sport? Could we be more trivial?

"So many kids looked up to him." Because their parents have no idea who to teach their children to admire. You did that by choice.

Our media is a joke. They live for things like this. This is what makes them what they are. We are a culture of busybodies, consumed with the trivial and deliberately ignorant of the Ultimate. ONLY IN AMERICA will a story about a cat who can water ski immediately follow a story of a baby who died in a house fire when her mom's psycho ex-boyfriend shot her and burned her house down (and why your soap can kill you...tonight at 11). Tiger doesn't owe us a 60 Minutes interview or an Oprah couch moment or a Dr. Phil whatever-it-is-that-he-does-on-his-show show. He needs to disappear and beg his wife's forgiveness and do everything possible under the sun to reconcile with her...he needs to hug his children and apologize to them for what he did to their mother, how he ignored them to indulge his flesh. He needs to come face to face with the God he has forsaken to give his life to a dang sport. NONE of that belongs in the media for our entertainment.

Listen, I get it. It was wrong; I am not trivializing what he did at all. I am calling our obsession with it ridiculous and stupid. I am disgusted with listening to people on radio and TV say that they "feel he needs to apologize to them," and "come clean." To who? You?! Are you serious?!

"Deserve"

2009-11-30T16:28:00.004-05:00

I remember well my struggle with the doctrines of grace. The wonderfully freeing and biblical doctrines of total depravity, unconditional election, particular redemption, effectual calling, and the perseverance of the saints...it took me a long time to stop fighting these things. It took me a long time to accept them not only as true, but beautiful. In fact, there are times when the sovereignty of God floors me - I don't know what to do with it or how to live in light of it. It has an ultimacy over me and my hope and prayer is that this is a divine pressure, not a subjective war.

Now, let me stop something before it starts because it's almost always brought up. "Tony, do you see how the sovereignty of God is damaging? You can't have any assurance - you have no way of knowing that God is for you or that you are His child." To which I would respond, "And you would say the alternative to struggling with God's acceptance of me on His terms is to assume that because I am confident in what I have done, I can have this assurance?" Assurance is only possible if I see myself as the reason for God's approval of me...I can find assurance only if I am my own frame of reference? No thank you. I'll stick with sovereignty.

I digress. Importantly.

I am thinking today of something that solidified Truth for me. Perhaps more than any other thing, I turn to the biblically objective truth that all God owes me is wrath. The only thing...I mean the single solitary thing I deserve is God's justice. Now, this is true of every human being on the planet. No one, save Jesus, is excused from this discussion. No one. Not me, not you, not them, not us, not your babies, not their babies, not the guy on the island that has never heard, no one. Therefore, if anyone receives salvation, it is a tremendous mercy, an amazing act of purely and wholly sovereign grace.

From that starting point, everything changed. Arguing for the opposite is absurd, you know. If your reason that God couldn't elect some and not all for salvation is, "it isn't fair," you're on sand. How is it not fair? Explain that to me. IF it is true, how is it not right? God does owe everyone salvation or, to put it more like it would be said, God owes everyone the same opportunity? Why? What biblical witness would you give for this? What in God's history with the world would ever support this? Ever? Do you think only 4 people died in the Flood and they all lived right next to Noah? Did God dive bomb pamphlets to Egypt the day before He struck all the firstborn sons dead? I mean, seriously? Where did we get this Cap'n Fair Pants idea? Do we need to go New Testament? The people crushed by the Tower in Siloam? What was Jesus' response to that? That God acted unjustly by not acting to preserve lives? Katrina? Or, what about those whose blood was mingled with the sacrifices to pagan gods? Did Jesus offer some kind of excuse? Do you honestly think God is unfair in anything He does? Are you ready to go there? Was it fair for God to punish Jesus for your sin?

God doesn't operate on the plain of "fair." This is crucial. And I know it's hard to hear tone in text but let me say, my intent is not to come off snide. My intent is to make you think. Hard. I do think where we land on this matters...a great deal. Who you consciously or sub-consciously place credit for your salvation is a HUGE deal. We are talking about ultimate things here, not fun details for nerds. To whom goes ALL glory? To whom goes ALL credit? Why is there salvation? Why does the world exist? Why do I exist? Well, how you answer the questions raised by sovereignty (If you answer them in consistency with what you actually believe, the unavoidable conclusions of what you really think) will ultimately determine how you answer these big deal questions. We don't treat video games or recipes lazily, why treat ultimate truth as optional or blase?

So, I think you should start with your soul's own predicament. You deserve wrath. You deserve justice. This means you (and I) deserve hell. If that is true of everyone in the world, now we can start (as we should) with a different question. "Why does God save anyone at all?" Not, "why does God save whom He wants to and not who I want Him to?"

While I would not submit to Shakespeare that we are simply players making exits and entrances, I do admire the concept. We are a part of someone else's story. Period. The earth, the universe, movies, music, fiction, non-fiction, people, nations, work, play, marriage, singleness, kids, etc....it's all about Jesus. This is all His story (haha...HIStory). God created the world like an author writes a story. The author determines everything, does he not? God is Creator. We are created. God is Initiator. We are result. God is Cause. We are effect. We make our worst mistake, commit our worst sin when we reverse those roles. This is the reason God's sovereignty is questioned, even in the church. Because we have forgotten the reality of His role and our role. It does affect everything, from worship to obedience...God is beginning, end, center, source. There shouldn't be this myriad of questions and philosophies (that's all they are) and logical arguments. God is not the servant of these things. He is the SOURCE of these things. For from Him and to Him and through Him are ALL things (Romans 11:36). We don't make God answer for His actions. That's ABSURD! We hae a brain to think this stuff through, to go hard after God. Don't check your brain at the door of self-authentication.

We have to get here, i.e., God is Creator; we are created and so forth. I really do think this helps. Once we can see that God does not owe salvation to anyone, it's freeing to realize then that if anyone is saved, it truly is a miracle of undeserved grace. Think about it. If God owes salvation to everyone equally (by what law I have no idea...and don't say "His own" - you'll find no rest or hope in a sovereign God who in His sovereignty gives up that sovereignty), why sing songs about how great He is? I mean, after all, He's just paying the checks of his workers, right?

We deserve wrath, not salvation. God owes us hell, not heaven. The real question that should blow our doors off is, why did Jesus die for anyone? Not, "how could a loving God send anyone to hell?" It's where we all deserve to go, friend. By this logical understanding (the kind driving that "how could He" question), God is horribly unjust in sending Jesus to die for sinners and then giving sinners Heaven. You wouldn't vote for a judge who knowingly and willingly let the guilty go free. Come on now.

Bow down. It's your only hope.

The Gospel and Spanking Little Children

2009-11-09T09:36:00.003-05:00

I absolutely hate to spank my children. I have three little girls. They are so tiny and so precious and so little. And they can be so bad. That being said, I find no joy in spanking them. Not one bit. Sure, we can talk about how, ultimately, we find joy in the words of our Lord and we trust Him and have faith in Him that it is good when He says (a paraphrase), "He who spares the rod hates his son." I think I understand that concept. I think I understand that all things work together for the good for those that love God and are the called according to His purpose. That being said, I won't be smiling with glee if my wife is diagnosed with cancer. There is sorrow in our rejoicing or it isn't gospel-driven rejoicing. Sin sucks. The curse sucks. Death sucks. Suffering sucks. Period.

I have been thinking of this all night and this morning because I had to give Sofia a spank last night. I can be honest with you and, if you want, you can call me soft. It broke my heart. Later, I took her aside and I loved on her and kissed her little face. I told her, "honey, I love you so much. I hate to spank you. But we will not let you be bad and throw fits." She hugged me back. And she pats my back with her little hand! That breaks my heart!

It takes faith to spank your children, to take God at His word regarding that subject. But it is right. Our problems with it come from a faulty view of God and ourselves and our children, not from God (as if He may or may not be correct). The alternatives to me are just too risky. And I'm not willing to gamble with my children's souls. Think about it. If I tell my girls, "you will not go out in the street," I will spank them if they do. Why? Because I'd much rather they feel a brief but serious sting on their bottom from their daddy who loves them, than to be crushed by a car. Kids don't fear your raised voice enough and they certainly don't fear a time out or a corner-stand like they do your hand. God disciplines those whom He loves and, sometimes, He does so severely. There is a sting in spanking that is godly and biblical. Sure there are times when other things are appropriate and a spanking is not warranted. But, for open rebellion, e.g., "I said 'no' and you did it anyway," there will always be a spank. They cannot grow up believing there are not serious consequences for rebelling against God. And remember, dad, it is God's law they are breaking when they break yours. Spanking is about your child and God, not your anger or embarrassment. And, after a spank in our home, there will always be a kiss and a cuddle and a hug. "The punishment is over, I still love you, we are not estranged. Please don't do it again."

I read this below from John Piper this morning. Yes, I read John Piper a lot. Yes, I will post stuff on here from him. A lot. There are worse things, brothers and sisters. So, I hope this helps and sheds light on this subject.

And to Bella, Sofia, and Gianna, I love you with all of my heart. I pray every morning that I would not be too harsh or too strict with you, that I would bring you up in the fear and instruction of the Lord, and that nothing I do would turn you off to the Gospel. Daddy is a sinner; he needs a lot more spanks than you do. And I hope God keeps my heart so that I don't ruin yours. I love you, little lambs.

Would Jesus spank a child?

By John Piper
February 16, 2009

The following is an edited transcript of the audio.

Would Jesus spank a child? If so, where would you point someone biblically who can't imagine him doing this?

If Jesus were married and had children, I think he would have spanked the children.

The place that I would go to help a person see that he would, when they can't imagine that he would, is Matthew 5 where he said, "Not a jot nor a tittle will pass away from the Law until all is accomplished." In other words, all the Law and the Prophets stand until they're done. And the Law says, "Spare the rod, spoil the child." That's a paraphrase. The book of Proverbs says, "If you withhold the rod, you hate your son." Jesus believed the Bible, and he would have done it.

Now, that does not address the heart of the issue. The heart of the issue is: Why does this person feel this way? What worldview inclines a person to think that you shouldn't spank a child? Where does that come from?

Well it comes straight out of this culture, I think. There's a sign that used to be on the side of the 35W bridge, on the right as you go north. And the sign simply said this: "Never, never, never, never, never hurt a child." That's all it said! And spanking is equated with hurting children. It's against the law in Sweden to spank a child. And it's against the law, I think, in some states in America. I'm not sure.

Well, I will go to jail over that issue! Talitha is to the point where I don't think in terms of spanking my 13-year-old daughter anymore. But I did when she was little.

I could give a whole theology of spanking here, but maybe I'll just boil it down. Why does this person feel squeamish about spanking? My guess is that it is a wrong view of God.

Deep down, does this person believe that God brings pain into our lives? Because Hebrews 12:6 makes the direct connection: God disciplines every son whom he loves, and spanks everyone that he delights in (my paraphrase). And the point there is suffering. God brings sufferings into our lives, and the writer of the Hebrews connects it to the parenting of God of his children.

This is a wrong view of God! God uses suffering to discipline his children. So do we.

Now, you don't damage a child. You don't give him a black eye or break his arm. Children have little fat bottoms so that they can be whopped.

When my sons were three and four years old, at their worst stages, drawing with orange crayons on the wall, they knew what was going to happen. So one day, just to give you an illustration of how this works emotionally, I found an orange mark on the wall in the hall upstairs from a crayon. Just about Barnabas' height. And he's three or four.

So I get Barnabas. I say, "Come here Barnabas. Did you make that mark on the wall."

"Yes." At least he's honest.

I said, "We have a rule against that. You know you cannot draw on the wall with your crayons. You're old enough to know that."

"Yes."

"So what should happen?"

"A spanking."

I said, "That's right." So I take him in the room, and whop! And he cries easy, so he cries. And when he's done crying, there's a big hug. And I say, "Don't do that again, OK? Daddy loves you and we don't mark on the wall, OK?"

Three minutes later he is bouncing off the walls, happy happy happy.

Now if I had said to him, "You go into your room and you sit there and you stay there until you feel appropriately guilty, and then we'll see if you come out and do the right thing," what a wicked way to punish a child!

Spanking is so clean! It's so quick! It's so relieving! A kid feels like he has done atonement and he is out of there and happy.

To these modern ideas of timeout, or sitting in the corner, I say, "Bologna! Give me a spanking! I want to go play!"

I just think spanking is really healthy for children. It is a measured deliverance of a non-damaging act of mild pain that makes the child feel the seriousness of what he's done. It is not beating. It is not abuse. There is a clear difference. The very word "spank" exists because there is such a thing as a loving way to whop a child on his behind or his chunky thigh.

Unite My Heart

2009-10-27T13:12:00.002-05:00

Hear the word of the Lord from Psalm 86:

1 Incline your ear, O LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy.
2 Preserve my life, for I am godly; save your servant, who trusts in you—you are my God.
3 Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to you do I cry all the day.
4 Gladden the soul of your servant, for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
5 For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
6 Give ear, O LORD, to my prayer; listen to my plea for grace.
7 In the day of my trouble I call upon you, for you answer me.
8 There is none like you among the gods, O Lord, nor are there any works like yours.
9 All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord, and shall glorify your name.
10 For you are great and do wondrous things; you alone are God.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.
12 I give thanks to you, O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever. 13 For great is your steadfast love toward me; you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
14 O God, insolent men have risen up against me; a band of ruthless men seeks my life, and they do not set you before them.
15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious; slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me; give your strength to your servant, and save the son of your maidservant.
17 Show me a sign of your favor, that those who hate me may see and be put to shame because you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me.

Our hearts are divided. Double-minded and unstable. When we believe we are right, when we believe we are solid, we are not ready. We feel the pull of the flesh and the push of the Spirit. In the midst of perfect love, we know separation. In the midst of unending faithfulness, we feel abandonment. In the presence of perfect joy, we are discouraged. In the midst of absolute truth, we cannot find our way. In the midst of redemption, we feel condemnation.

I am coming to believe that the Psalms are a collective cry to God from this divided heart that longs for the peace that comes from God, yet cannot grasp it fully. We know, but we do not know. We see, but we do not see. The psalmist cries in the midst of this wonderful prayer, “unite my heart.” Make me one, O God. Unify what I know with what I am moved by; give me a single-minded devotion to you.

We have every reason to pray this way, every reason to believe this way. The cry to God to unite my heart is based on the belief that in Him, such unifying truth can be found (v.11). Proper recognition is here. This is how we address God. We come bankrupt to draw from His fullness. “I am poor and needy. You are gracious; you 'abound' in resources. I have nothing. I can’t even think straight.” We come praying, we come trusting. We come needy in a day of trouble when yesterday (two Psalms earlier) we were riding high; worshipping You, desiring You, understanding that there is no better place to be than with You and GENUINELY wanting to be there! But already the bottom has dropped out. Today, we cannot find our way; we are unsure. Again.

It is in these times that we must cry out to Him, confessing what we know. Confessing what is true, regardless of how we are bent toward it at that particular time. “There is none like you, O God. You are to be glorified forever.” That is true, even when trouble crashes down on us in waves. That is true, even when we wander to worship lesser gods. Sometimes, we feel so desperate, that we would rather see God comfort our hearts than move mountains right in front of our eyes. When it is truly dark, we desire peace, not miracles.

But God has delivered us from the depths of Sheol. In His Son. And His Son is the way, the truth, and the life that we crave and need so badly. Jesus is what gives meaning to the Psalms. For all these precious promises are ours because of Jesus, our Savior (2 Corinthians 1:20).

We are assaulted on every side. The world, the flesh, and the devil wage war against us in a million different ways, with a million different lures. And because we are sinners, we are pulled by them, sometimes quite successfully. There is a part of us that wants to run after them, to join them. So, our struggle is not purely without; it is within. Within, we battle to rest in God, to find in Christ our satisfaction. Within, we battle to love the world, to find in its idols our satisfaction. These assaults are both created by us and imposed upon us. And so we are divided.

Strength of my life, whom shall I dread?

Unite my heart, O God.

"Why We Love the Doctrines of Grace"

2009-10-23T10:47:00.003-05:00

I read this today on desiringgod.org (Please go there. There is so much free material that is easy to download/listen to/watch.

Unconditional election delivers the harshest and the sweetest judgments to my soul.

That it is unconditional destroys all self-exaltation; and that it is election makes me his treasured possession.

This is one of the beauties of the biblical doctrines of grace: their worst devastations prepare us for their greatest delights.

What prigs we would become at the words, “The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth” (Deuteronomy 7:6), if this election were in any way dependent on our will. But to protect us from pride, the Lord teaches us that we are unconditionally chosen (7:7-9). “He made a wretch his treasure,” as we so gladly sing.

Only the devastating freeness and unconditionality of electing grace lets us take and taste such gifts for our very own without the exaltation of self. - John Piper

I am so thankful that God was not looking for anything valuable in me. Rather, by His own sovereign will and immeasurable grace and goodness, He saved me. From my sin. From death. From myself. From HIMSELF. Praise God for the soul-comforting and satsifying doctrines of amazing grace.

God in our Debt

2009-10-19T11:27:00.001-05:00

Grace is so amazing and so incomprehensible. It is incomprehensible. There does come a point in all of your studying and learning and growing that you just have to sit back and say with Paul, “oh the depth of the riches and the wisdom and the knowledge of God. How inscrutable His ways…how unsearchable His judgments.” There does come a point where we stop and God begins. We fall off the waterfall of truth and the immeasurable river that is God keeps flowing.

That He would send His Son. That this Son would die for us. That this Son would conquer death and begin in Himself a new creation. That soon, maybe very soon, maybe a long time off, but soon in our reckoning either way…there will be a new heavens and a new earth.

The Cross. The Cross. How can it be?

I want to say that grace is so overwhelming that it should crush our self-validation, not increase it. God’s love for us should not substantiate a high view of ourselves; it should destroy our already inflated view of ourselves.

We should never come to a place where we believe God is in our debt.

“I obeyed. You owe me blessings.”
“I followed. You owe me a payoff.”
“I was hurt. You owe me healing.”
“I was broken. You owe me repair.”
“I stood up for You. You owe me validation.”

Or think of it like this, maybe:

“For whatever reason, I expected ‘A’ from You, but I got ‘B’ so, forget You. I mean, until I need You, or when it’s socially and relationally convenient I might claim You…but serious commitment to You? No way. You’ve not proven worth my full devotion.”

And then, you marginalize God in a thousand different ways for the rest of your life.

I think this kind of attitude comes from a severe misunderstanding of the Cross and everything that really happened that Day. I really do believe this. If your understanding of the Cross is based on your own value and how lovely you truly are that God would do such a thing…you will spend the majority of your life confused, angry, broken, and unhappy. You will become an idolater. You will place supreme value on your comfort, your knowledge, your opinions, and your relationships. You will become increasingly angry with and annoyed by God until you either completely reject Him or place Him on a backburner to be dealt with when you feel like it’s time.

This will kill you. Forever.

You have placed God in your debt. You loaned him you, He didn’t pay up as your terms spelled out, and you’ve charged Him off. If you feel like collecting some day, you may send Him a letter or a threatening phone call…but that’s only if you feel like messing with what it would take to get paid.

If this is your game, stop it now. You are short-changing the King of the Universe. And He died to save you from such suicide. You don’t have to live this way. You don’t have to be so bitter. And you can confess that to Him. It’s okay. You can be forgiven. He is not surprised with you. He is not shocked. You are a sinner. I am a sinner. We don’t get it. We don’t see. We don’t fully understand. We need a Savior. We have one, in Christ. The people of God will suffer…in a thousand different ways until Glory is revealed. If you see yourself as central to the Cross, the fact of Christian suffering will destroy your religion.

God is not in our debt. He doesn’t owe us. The Cross was the overflow of His mercy, not a response to your value. The Cross was first about God and His holiness and His worth. The Cross is how much Jesus loved God, how much Jesus thought of the integrity of His Father’s name who was in the business of forgiving sinners. Foundational to His love for you is His love for His Father. That’s where His love for us begins. We define ourselves from Heaven; we don’t define Heaven from here.

Notice I am not saying, “God doesn’t owe you, you owe God.” This is not exactly the case. This also creates huge problems. The Scriptures do not speak of what God has done for us as creating a debt that we must pay back. Because we can’t. What He has given cannot be repaid, number one. We don’t have the ability or the resources. AND, God has not put Himself in this position. God is intentionally limitless and unfathomable. Heaven (and hell) is eternal for this reason. You will never give or worship enough to pay off the debt (nor can you be punished long enough to make up for offending His holiness). So instead of saying, “you owe me,” God says, “worship me…enjoy me forever.” Obedience, the way of the Cross, are a part of worship, then. They become a pathway to eternal enjoyment, not a payment book.

Bad news: You owe Him. Good news: Jesus paid the debt for all who believe.

Yes, we are in His debt. But praise God for the immeasurable riches of grace in Christ who has paid the ransom for sinners.

Commenting Issues

2009-08-27T10:40:00.001-05:00

Hello - I think...Think...the commenting issue over at the embassy (theimbassy.blogspot.com) is fixed. Sorry about that. But it might not be. So, feel free to mock my apology and effort.

A Major Announcement

2009-08-19T14:59:00.002-05:00

Hello.

I have started a new blog, in addition to this one. I will not be ending the upstream current. This blog will continue to exist but as a place of more personal thoughts on sin and salvation.

I explain the purpose of the other blog (The Embassy) in the first post which can be found here:

http://theimbassy.blogspot.com/

Yes, I know embassy is spelled with an "e" but every possible derivative of that word was taken for websites. So, I busted out the creativity and spelled it with an "i."

Also, it's my wife's birthday today. She is one hundred and thirty-seven years old. And doesn't look a day over 19.

I love you, Kristie. You are beautiful and wonderful. Happy Birthday.

Down for the Struggle

2009-08-17T09:29:00.002-05:00

I called this blog “the upstream current” because I wanted to mark the journey out of hell and into heaven – and how it truly is an upstream swim, against the current of this present darkness, without and within. Believe it or not, there is a method to why I post my struggles on here. My true and sincere hope is that it will ultimately be a testimony to the sufficiency of God’s grace and the overwhelming, all-conquering power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. This blog is meant primarily to track the journey of one sinner. Not because his journey is unique or special or overwhelmingly (or even marginally) interesting. It is because I know of no better way to glorify Christ than to exult in the power of the Cross. I cannot do that unless I am deliberately familiar with the bottomless depth of my own wickedness.

Yesterday, our pastor made an astounding statement about the flesh. He was right on; I loved it, even if it blasted away my own sinfulness. He has been preaching a series called “Heart Matters” (Andy Hadaway, Grace Bible Church). It has been unnervingly and beautifully convicting.

(It amazes me how God has so crafted the beauty of His Gospel, that at the same time He crushes you with the weight of Calvary, He heals you with the weight of Calvary. All at once, He wounds and He heals. This is because of Christ. Glory to the Father for the Son and the Spirit who bears witness.)

Andy’s statement (paraphrased): “The sinful flesh, that sinful king that sits on the throne of your heart, doesn’t need comforted. He needs dragged out in the street and shot.”

Yes. Yes! Listen to this and hear this same sentiment:

Romans 8:12 So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. 13 For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. 14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. 15 For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” 16 The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

You and I are not bound to live in sin. We are at war; make no mistake. I am not saying you will be sinless, nor am I advocating any second single work of grace which makes you sinless. I am saying that what Paul says in Romans is that we owe the flesh nothing. We are not in debt to our sinful nature anymore, in Christ. In other words, I am not bound to sin. To live as though I am, is to live according to the flesh – to that law of sin that Paul references in Romans 7. And to live in this way ensures one thing: death. There is a way to avoid this unavoidable fate: to put to death the deeds of the body, by the Spirit. This is what it means to be led by the Spirit of God and so know that you are indeed a son: to be always putting to death the deeds of the body. Notice Paul does not say, “Now you are in debt to the Spirit, so live according to this law.” We have not exchanged one bondage for another, brothers and sisters. We have been made sons, not slaves. Yes, there is a sense in which we are bound to Christ, bound to live the Calvary Road, but it isn’t apples to apples bondage. What we have received in the exchange is not the spirit of slavery so that we can live in fear that we won’t be able to make the payments – we have received the Spirit of adoption as sons. We do not call Him our taskmaster; we call Him “Abba.” We call Him, “Father.” Slaves are not allowed to call their masters, “Father.” Something is different about being bound to the Spirit. We are children, therefore, we are heirs. Heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ…IF…"we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."

Jesus died. The culmination of His suffering was death. This (I think) somehow goes back to Andy’s statement. Dealing with sin is suffering. I’m not trying to say that giving into the flesh is hard; please don’t misunderstand. We do what we want to do. I’m saying that the Spirit is bearing witness and we are living like He isn’t there. This creates suffering. All those things that we are sure hold out pleasure end up being broken cisterns that can hold no water (Jeremiah 2:11-13). To drink from such a cistern when living water is ours for the taking is a foolishness that kills the soul. There’s no need for us to be in the desert. We have been given the rights to stand under the fountain of God by adoption. We’re not bound to this death but we live it anyway. I wonder if this suffering is a sanctifying tool that prepares us for glory. I can’t readily point to any struggle in my life for which I am suffering that I myself did not create, in one way or another. Now, I do think that there is a different kind of suffering that comes in following Christ – the suffering we do directly and intentionally for the Gospel. However, I’m not sure that this is singularly contextual given Paul’s argument here. He is speaking of this, given the latter part of Romans 8 – but he may also be referencing the necessity of making war (which makes suffering unavoidable) against our flesh in the power of the Spirit. War is bloody. People die. People lose limbs. People suffer. Being born again means another person is alive inside of you which your old nature absolutely hates. Crowd two mortal enemies into a room and get ready for the rumble, right? What I think Paul is driving at is that the Spirit of God has given us the power to drag this punk out into the street and give him a dirt nap. We just let him hang around like a disgruntled worker who never shuts up but won’t just quit and leave.

The bottom line: you need to be fighting, even if it gets old. There is a war going on inside of you and inside of me. If you don’t know you’re fighting, or don’t care you’re fighting…something is wrong. The Christian life is a life of suffering. I didn’t say doom and gloom and I didn’t say hopelessness. I said, “suffering.”

Romans 7:21 So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. 22 For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, 23 but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. 24a Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

The Sinner is not who you are. Did you hear me? That isn’t you. This half-life you’re living is not your life. You don’t have to live that way. There is a Deliverer. What you have to do…is fight. Yes. Fight a battle that’s already won, a war where victory has already been achieved. The road is long from the ground to glory. Upstream, from hell into heaven. Wake up, sleeper. Open your eyes. This isn’t you. You’ve been born again.

Galatians 5:24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

That king is dead. Stop dragging his carcass back in the house.

I close with some rap. Yes, rap. Praise to God for the 116 Clique and the Christ-centered, God-exalting theology of their music. These brothers have helped me immensely over the past year and a half to get my head back on straight. I’m so thankful for them. On Tedashii’s new album, “Identity Crisis,” he has a song called, “Make War” that begins with a sample from a John Piper sermon.

“I hear so many Christians murmuring about their imperfections and their failures and their addictions and their shortcomings. And I see so little war! Murmur, murmur, murmur…why am I this way? MAKE WAR!”

In this song, Flame has a verse. It goes this way:

Do you even have a clue
What happened to you when He died
When that tomb got rolled
When He rose in the sky
I think we emphasize sin so much
That it makes us paralyzed
And glorify struggle so much
That it makes us terrified
And deemphasize the fact that we have been sterilized
From our own lives and thus
We gotta snap out of it
We ain't in no straight-jacket
We free
When Jesus died in our lives something strange happened
He gave us power
Yeah I know that we sinners but since He rose He's renewing the image of God in us
Now, we gotta start making war
Now we can start saying no
To them fleshy impulses that Jesus Christ is paying for
Now we can start taking the lead just like the Dalai Lama
And start going all out like a suicide bomber
Whatever the sin is we gotta go go go harder
By His grace no time to waste and just just just like there's no tomorrow

Hook:I MAKE WAR!/Cause sin never sleeps/It's got me in a trance/you can see it in my dreams
I MAKE WAR!/Man I beat my flesh/To the death/every breath/like I beat my chest
I MAKE WAR/sun up
I MAKE WAR/sun down
I MAKE WAR/time in/I MAKE WAR/time out
I MAKE WAR/against lust/Against pride/against me/until I die

Brothers and sisters. Let's fight.

Heath, Ohio and Jacob's Ladder

2009-04-02T09:47:00.001-05:00

The Gospel is unexplainably powerful.

If you are even a casual reader of my blog (I still have all my old posts which can be cut and pasted at any time back on here…get off me) you know that my struggles are deep, ongoing, and unbelievably frustrating. I have a hunch that, instead of making me unique, this makes me “normal” among the Beloved, of which I am a part, only if God will let me stay. I did not say this to minimize the seriousness of my sin. I said it because I don’t want you to think I see myself as special or different. I don’t. And I don’t know how deeply you struggle. I can only speak for myself. It’s pretty brutal.

Blah, blah, blah, same old thing.

But I can’t do anything without hours and hours of introspection. For better or worse (probably worse), that’s how I roll. I will sift where to eat for lunch like wheat (that’s not good, by the way).

Preaching has brought me back to this blog. And the fact that, even though I will relay this in person as well, I owe a profound thanks and debt of gratitude to my friend, Darby Livingston (www.profoundmystery.blogspot.com/www.flyoverplanting.blogspot.com/www.cayaf.org).

Darby is my friend. There are few men who have felt the brunt of my wandering like Darby has had to put up with. I don’t know of anyone that knows me like he does or how deeply my struggles run, outside of my precious wife who knows me in ways that I wish she didn’t (Kristie, you are the woman the Bible talks about when it speaks of exemplary women – I mean it with all of my heart). And yet, I can make this statement with no hesitation, no doubt, no worry: Darby is my friend.

In this world, where I live on the brink of spiritual death every second and most of the time I can’t see two feet in front of me with my soul, you cannot put a premium on this kind of friendship. And I guess that’s why I’m writing. It is the Gospel that makes Darby this kind of man and this kind of friend. It is the Gospel that is guiding the steps of my life, even when I think my direction is away from it.

I cannot turn my back fully and finally on the Risen Christ. Trust me; hear what I say right now: I have tried for over a year solid to do so. Given my nature, instincts, sin and my inexcusable wanderings, to make that statement is physically, naturally, and logically impossible.

But with God, all things are possible. Perhaps above all, the final salvation of men like me.

I have to preach on Sunday at Come As You Are Fellowship. Darby is letting me preach at his church. That is almost unbelievable to me. I deserve none of their kindness, none of their friendship. And yet, it is extended nonetheless without malice. I don’t know how you make up for your past. And mine is a mess. I would give almost anything to go back and try to do the last seven years over. I really mean that. But I can’t. I have no other option but to put my head down with a profound sense of informed humility and walk on. When I say that, it sounds prideful. Like, “that’s easy for you to say.” It’s not; I assure you. I feel a tremendous amount of regret on a daily, hourly basis; believe me. It could be pure pride in thinking far too much of myself – that others don’t view me as so important that I’ve left a scar on their lives. But maybe I have. And, given the depth of my depravity, I’ll default to the latter. It could be that I worry far too much of what others think (this is pride; I just can’t handle people thinking poorly of me). But maybe it isn’t pride. Maybe it’s chastisement for my wake of quitting and avoidable failures. I don’t know. But I know I cannot go back. There are two options: stand still and die or go forward. I know you may not like me very much or think very highly of me or anything I have to say but, I hope you can understand that I don’t want to stand still and die. That’s about all I’ve got. Just this sense that it’s not done. It’s a small sense that I doubt even as I speak, but it is there.

And this I know: that sense to go on, to do the right thing, to make much of Christ for the sake of His name and His Gospel with my life…oh that doesn’t come from inside this flesh. All that is counter to such a thing comes from inside this flesh, from conception to delivery. This desire could only come from Christ. It could only come from Him. So, I bow before it. I don’t know what else to do because I can’t do anything else. And I know this is where I want to be and that is what I want to do, even if it seems impossible.

So, what is the point of all this? Shoot, I don’t know. It’s the way an introspective, depressed, hopeless, sinful, cautiously excited, hopeful man who might be on his way back says “hey, how have you been?”

But, this Sunday I’ll be preaching (God-willing) from John 9:35-11:44 (it will be shorter than it sounds). My tentative title is “Too Good to be Untrue”. This passage is where I ended up when I considered what to preach. While it may look self-serving to preach about a Shepherd who won’t let go of His sheep, I can assure you: this message is to the glory of God.

And to Darby, my friend and my brother, to Francis Thompson and the beautiful poem, “The Hound of Heaven,” thank you.